


The Longest F***ing 24 Hours

by Catch358



Category: Drakengard 3, NieR: Automata (Video Game), Nier Gestalt | Nier
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Girls Being Girls, Swearing, Time Loop, Tongue-in-cheek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-24 12:25:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19723648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catch358/pseuds/Catch358
Summary: Sooo I forgot to add a summary, but here it is:A2, Kainé, and Zero are all different flavors of the same a**hole and probably shouldn't be anywhere near each other, but certain circumstances all lead the three heroines to come crashing into each other in NieR: Automata's world. The only way for things to return to normal is if they survive 24 hours without dying or killing each other which is easier said than done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: You really think I own any Square Enix properties?
> 
> 'moose'=thoughts
> 
> moose= Narration

_Time doesn't always flow in a single direction_

_Divergence: Branch Y_

_In the flow of post-cataclysm history, if a unique set of conditions known as "singularities" come together, splits occur in time, resulting in the multiple world divergence phenomenon._

_However, in an unusual occurrence, several different timelines from several different points in history have converged together, resulting in the confrontation of three very distinct individuals._

_It is now April 16th in the year 11,945 A.D._

* * *

A2 looked down at the sprawling world before her; grassy hills, shallow pools of water and decayed skyscrapers that stood as remanents of ancient human civilization. Not that she ever paid much attention to her surroundings when there were machines infesting the Earth.

 _'Another day of killing machines.'_ Jumping off the skyscraper she was perched on, she split an unsuspecting machine's head in half with one powerful blow, then swung her massive sword around. "Now where's the next one!"

She didn't have to go very far to find another machine lurking around the city. However, before A2 could even take another step, two portals manifested in the sky and two people crashed landed on the machine she was hunting.

"What the hell..."

Once the dust settled, A2 found two women with white hair like hers lying on the machine debris, although she'd soon come to find that wasn't where their similarities ended. "Uh, hey, you guys okay?"

"Oh yeah, yeah, fine, not like I didn't _just_ fall out of the fucking sky," The woman with a flower sprouting out of her right eye, Zero, sarcastically remarked.

The other one was scantily clad and wasn't as quick to reply as her counterpart. "Where the hell am I..." Kainé muttered.

"The surface," A2 said.

They gave A2 beyond-lost-at-this-point blank stares so he elaborated more. "You know, like, Earth."

"What, did Earth change in the past twenty minutes? One minute I'm chopping off heads with my stupid dragon and the next I'm looking at your dumb face, so you're gonna do some explaining here," Zero said.

"Ask someone else."

Zero turned to Kainé who shrugged in response. "I'm as lost as you."

"Then I guess that bitch is the only one who can give us some fucking direction."

"Yeah...wait, where'd she go?"

Wanting absolutely nothing to do with Zero and Kainé, A2 left in search of machines, finding the murderous robots to be more suitable company than the two girls.

"HEY! Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" Zero called out.

' _Shit, I need to get out of here!'_

"Stop running away you asshole!" Kainé yelled.

A2 scaled up one of the skyscrapers, thinking she could lose them that way, but they were able to easily follow after her. ' _Guess there's no point in running now._ ' She stopped and let the two girls catch up so she could give them a piece of her A.I. "Look, I can't fucking help you two! What don't you understand about that?!"

"Then I'll beat the information out of you," Zero said.

"...what did you just say?"

"I'm not gonna repeat myself, you already pissed me off by running away!"

"Calm the fuck down, shit, if she doesn't know, she doesn't know," Kainé said.

"I didn't ask for your goddamn opinion. Look at her, she obviously knows more than she's letting on. She might even be the reason we're here in the first place."

"How the hell does that make any sense, you're just looking for someone to blame because you can't get your head out of your ass."

"Oh so now the slut wants to give me a lecture, real cute."

"You're one to fucking talk."

"Will both of you shut the hell up," A2 said. "Listen, I'm gonna say this once and ONLY once. If one of you takes another step closer to me, your ass is gonna get the beating of a lifetime. Is that clear?"

_Unfortunately, those were the last words A2 said before all three of them died a gruesome death from fighting each other. Looks like this timeline will have to be reset._

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**Worst C[A]se Scenario**

一

A2 breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of the City Ruins, back to where her day began. "Thank god, it was just a nightmare."

"一Hey asshole, miss me?"

She turned around and saw Zero with a smug look on her face. Naturally, her first immediate reaction was to stab her right in the chest to turn that smug look into wide-eyed terror.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**[B]reathless Sigh**

一

"Now, please tell me that's 一"

Zero stabbed A2 through her back. "That's payback, you bitch!"

_A2 and Zero continued killing each other over and over again. As you can imagine this went on for quite a while, maybe a good hour or two of continuously killing each other so I won't waste your time. Let's start from where the divergence occurs and start off from there, shall we?_

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**Ba[C]k and Forth**

一

Zero raised her sword with the intent to kill A2 once more but stopped suddenly.

"You aren't gonna kill me? It's your turn, isn't it," A2 said.

"I know, but I gotta take a piss first," Zero said.

"A what?"

"Don't play dumb. I'll be back to kill you again in a sec," Zero jumped off the skyscraper and A2 was too curious not to follow after her, then she soon discovered exactly what 'take a piss' meant.

"You fucking creep, stop looking!" Zero shrieked.

"Hold on, are you a human?"

"Is now really the best time to ask these fucking questions?"

"Answer the goddamn question."

"Fiiiine. No, I'm not a human, I'm an intoner. What are you some kind of robot?"

"Something like that, I'm an android."

"That was a joke, but I guess that explains why you're so inept."

"...There's one other thing I need to talk to you about."

"Go ahead, I'm _obviously_ not doing anything."

"I think we should stop killing each other. I figured out that every time we kill each other, time resets and we killed each other at least a dozen times so that must of fucked up something."

"Yeah, no shit."

"Wait, so you knew the entire time?"

"Yep, I just liked killing you."

A2 chopped Zero's head off in the middle of her pissing.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**Beginning to En[D]**

一

"Okay, I admit I had that coming," Zero said.

"Let's just agree not to kill each other on purpose from now on," A2 said.

"Sure, we won't kill each other on purpose. So can I _accidentally_ push you off this building?"

A2 narrowed her eyes at Zero.

"Take it easy, that was more or less a joke," Zero sat down. "So what do androids do to keep themselves busy?"

"Kill machines."

"Huh, not like super complicated technological things or whatever?"

"Nope."

"..."

"..."

"...Now it's your turn."

"To do what?"

"To ask me something, idiot. I don't want there to be dead fucking silence."

"No thanks."

"Fuck, of course, I'm stuck here with the boring one." Zero fell down on her back and an awkward silence dragged on between the two.

_Little did A2 and Zero know that Kainé had gone off and gotten herself killed by a machine which meant the timeline had to be reset again._

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**Tim[E] Flies By**

一

"You didn't kill me, did you?" Zero asked.

"I feel like you would've known if I killed you or not, just saying."

"Then did I die of boredom?" She mused.

"...Hold on, what about the other one? I think we forgot about her."

"Oh right, the slut. She must have gotten herself killed and reset the whole story again."

"If that's the case, we have to go find her."

"Yeah, yeah."

Dropping off the building, they began their search for Kainé on foot.

"Hey, all this pleasant time we spent together and I never got your name," Zero said.

"Tell me your name first."

"That's not how it works, but whatever, I'm Zero."

"A2."

"A2? That is such a stereotypical android name."

"What the hell would you know about androids? I still don't know what you are."

"I'm an intoner, I think I told you this before."

"Yeah, and I _still_ don't know what that is."

"An intoner's a goddess who gets their powers from song."

"I STILL don't know what that is, do you think I'm omniscient or something?!"

"...forget it. Maybe you're lacking so much in the brains department because you're making up for it elsewhere, hm~"

"I don't follow."

"Then I'll make it more obvious for you. Since you look so human, you have everything a human has, right?"

"I don't have intestines."

"You know what? Let's drop this."

"Good idea."

After wandering around the City Ruins for some time, they stumbled upon Kainé facing off against a Goliath-class machine. Even though she pretty much had things handled, A2 and Zero came to her rescue and laid waste to the hunk of metal.

"I didn't ask for your guy's help you know," Kainé said.

"Don't be so fucking tsundere," Zero said.

"You were gonna get yourself killed in the end so we had to save you," A2 said.

"I'd rather be dead than hang out with you assholes."

"Don't group me with her, all I did was kill you that one time," A2 said.

She rolled her eyes. "Sure, flower girl's _slightly_ more of a bitch than you. Happy?"

"Aw, you're embarrassing me," Zero said.

"That wasn't a fucking compliment. What do you two want with me anyway?"

"Each time one of us dies, the timeline resets so we need to stick together and make sure that doesn't happen," A2 said. "Then maybe we can figure out what the hell's going on."

"Oooooh, that's what kept happening. Let me guess, you and flower girl got into a pissing contest and kept killing each other?"

"And we got a winner," Zero said.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised, but sure, I'll follow you guys around. Not like I have anything else better to do. My name's Kainé by the way."

"A2."

"Zero."

"Wow, I'm the only one with a normal fucking name."

"...I'm still calling you a slut," Zero said.

"Don't push yourself or I'll reset this fucking timeline again."

"Whatever, slut."

A2 got in-between Zero and Kainé before they could restart the entire day again and knocked them both upside the head.

"Damn it, now I'm just pissed off," Kainé said.

"You weren't pissed off before?" A2 asked.

"Not as much!"

"Hold on A2, how do you know what pissed off means, but you don't know what actual piss is?" Zero asked.

"I thought it was just an expression."

"Uh huh...so do you even know what 'fuck' means since you use it so much?"

"It's when humans procreate, duh."

"God, you're getting on my last nerve."

"Enough bitching. I was in the middle of hunting some food until that robot got in my way, maybe you guys can do something helpful instead of talking about piss," Kainé said.

"That sounds like a good idea, I'm hungry as hell," Zero said.

"There are boars nearby, they're an easy kill," A2 said.

"Mm, boar meat. That's a new one."

The girls hid behind a giant bush and watched as a boar calmly munched on the grass, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to strike. When it appeared to be totally unsuspicious of becoming anyone's fire roasted dinner, Zero looked over to A2 and Kainé.

"I'll go in for the kill. You two sit back and watch how it's done."

"Whatever." They both said.

Zero snuck out of the bushes, her sword tightly clenched in her hand. However, on her way to the boar, she got trampled on by an aggressive moose who was in the vicinity. A2 and Kainé ran over to her, worried more at the thought of repeating the day over than Zero's life.

"Fuck, is she dead?" Kainé asked.

"That's a shitty way to die, huh," A2 said.

"I'm still alive you assholes! Will someone just fucking kill me already?!"

A2 and Kainé exchanged glances, then decidedly said "Nah" in unison.

"You two are such bitches."

Kainé smirked. "Gotta say, love the new look Zero, it really suits you."

"Yeah, ha HA, you're so fucking hilarious! Can you just help me up already?"

"Sure, come on A2." They helped Zero to her feet.

"Let's find somewhere to rest, I'll just catch you two some fish and call it a day," A2 said.

"Why...why the fuck didn't you do that before," Zero said.

"Oh, uh, my bad."

"A2...you're lucky I got my bones crushed by hooves..."

A few tedious hours later and the girls were huddled up by a fire in an empty building. Kainé was in the middle of cleaning and gutting the fish A2 caught, keeping to herself for the longest time until she couldn't stand the sight of Zero sitting on her ass. "I don't know why I'm doing all this work, you should be helping too, Zero!"

"But I'm in soooo much pain."

"Not enough to keep your mouth shut."

"Good fucking god, I'll help you, okay? Throw me one of those bastards."

Kainé's face twisted in disgust. "...on second thought, maybe not."

"What's with the change of heart all of a sudden?"

"You keep touching yourself, it's gross."

"I'm not touching myself!"

"You're doing it right in front of me! Back me up, A2!"

"I wasn't paying attention."

"Look at her, she keeps putting her hands where they're not supposed to be! Nasty bitch, I don't want your pussy juices on my food!"

"Then close your goddamn legs! Why the fuck do you even have a bulge if you're a woman?!"

"Uh...my body's kind of different."

"So you got a..."

"Yeah."

"Best of both worlds, I like it."

"You're not weirded out?"

"Why would I be? People don't know what they're missing out on if you ask me." She crawled over to Kainé. "So why don't you show me more?"

"Oh?" A small smile crept up Kainé's face. "And you're the one calling me a slut. Come on, I'll show you exactly what people are missing out on."

A2 watched as Zero and Kainé stood up. "Where the hell are you two going?"

"Just outside to enjoy the weather. If you hear screams, don't check up on us," Zero said.

"Whatever." She made herself busy by sharpening her swords and it didn't take long for her to hear muffled screams outside. ' _What're they doing? They're so goddamn loud.'_ However, the screaming sounded more blood curdling than A2 was comfortable with so she decided to check up on them anyway, just to make sure they weren't killing each other.

"Hey, you guys are...oh god."

Zero and Kainé were on top of each other and their bodies were spilling out blood. A2 killed the machines that murdered them, but it was already too late.

"... idiots."

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**[F]irst Time for Everything**

一

Zero and A2 were back on the building together, staring each other down.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Don't ask," Zero said.

"So you aren't going to explain yourself?"

"No. Let's just find that slut again."

Leaping off the building, they found Kainé sooner than expected just walking around the city. "Hey A2," Kainé said. "...and company."

"Fuck off, slut."

Kainé cut Zero's head off with her sword.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**[G]ood for Nothing**

一

"Kainé's really fucking fast, I didn't even see her attack coming," Zero said.

"I did," A2 said. "'Course I didn't want to stop her."

Zero stabbed A2 in the chest, then shoved her off the building.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**[H]ere we go again**

一

"I thought we weren't going to purposely kill each other," A2 said.

"Sorry, my, uh, hand slipped."

"My hand's gonna slip right up your..." She shook her head. "Forget it, let's not start this again."

"Great self-restraint you got there. So what now?"

"As soon as we find Kainé again, I want to hunt more machines. I heard about a machine king in the forest kingdom I want to take down."

"Ew, fucking hate forests. Last time I was in one it made my period come early."

"What's that?"

"God, you're lucky you don't know...guess you don't have anything in between your legs after all."

"Zero."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"That's supposed to be my line."

"一what are you two assholes doing?" Kainé asked, walking up to them.

"We were getting ready to find you," A2 said.

"Well, you sure took your sweet fucking time. I got tired of waiting so I found you instead."

"That saved us a trip. Now that we're all here, let's go to the forest," A2 said.

"What's in the forest?"

"A machine I want to kill."

"Ah, that machine kill your family or something?"

"No."

"Did it reincarnate into a separate entity after you tried to kill yourself?" Zero asked.

"What? No. I just hate the idea of it being alive."

"That's always the best reason to kill someone."

"I know right? There's no baggage weighing you down."

"Both of you are fucked up in the head," Kainé said.

"Whatever. You two coming down to the forest with me?"

"Yeah, sure."

"We literally have no other choice," Zero said.

Following A2's lead, they made their way down to an abandoned shopping center taken over by vegetation. "This doesn't look like a forest," Zero said. "But being here is already making my pussy itch so we must be getting close."

"Don't you know when to shut the fuck up, Zero? No one wants to hear about your pussy," Kainé said.

"Heh, that's not what you said to me 3 deaths ago."

"Oh my fucking-"

A2 held Kainé back before she could do something they'd all end up regretting. "Calm down, Kainé. She's just trying to get a rise out of you."

"Yeah, I _definitely_ got a rise out of her."

"A2...don't let me go or I'm gonna FUCKING KILL HER!"

"You heard her Zero, so shut up."

"What? It's fun. What're we supposed to be doing here anyway?"

"There's supposed to be an entrance, around here. Shit!" A2 kicked something down she probably wasn't supposed to kick down and a bunch of machines fell out of nowhere. With the three of them semi-working together for once, they defeated the machines with ease, all except one machine who cut their losses and tried to run away.

"That one's hauling ass, kill it!" A2 yelled.

"Already ahead of you!" Zero sliced the machine through its midsection, but much to her surprise, a small, round head popped out of the machine body.

"AAAAahhh, p-please don't kill me!"

"What the hell?"

"Wait, Emil is that you?" Kainé asked, running up to the head. "Huh? What're you even doing here?"

"Huh? Who are you? You look familiar, though."

"You lost your memories? This will bring them back!" Kainé gave Emil a good kick in the head, which miraculously cured his memory loss.

"Kainé! I-I can't believe it, it's really you! I missed you, I missed you so much!" He rolled around her legs. "I thought you and Nier and everyone else was long gone, I was so lonely!"

"Shit, then is this the distant future?!"

"Ew, why the fuck does your friend look like one of those creepy Yoko taro heads?" Zero asked.

"It's a long story, Emil, how did you survive all these years?"

"The original me created millions of copies to help the androids fight against the aliens."

"The aliens?!" She looked over to A2.

"Don't look at me," A2 said. "I've never seen that thing before in my life."

"He's not a thing, asshole."

"Someone's touchy over their dismembered head," Zero said.

"Wow, are these your friends, Kainé? They're a lot like you."

"These assholes aren't my fucking friends, and we're nothing alike!"

"No...you guys are pretty similar in personality and character design."

"What did you become a smartass too over the centuries?"

"Not exactly, but wherever you guys are going, can I come along? It seems like you're having fun!"

"We're not going on a picnic, this is hardcore fucking stuff," Zero said.

"Weren't you just complaining about your pussy itching earlier? Yeah real hardcore stuff," Kainé said.

"Shut the fuck up."

"Your friend can come along with us as long as he doesn't get in the way," A2 said.

"Yay, I'm so excited!"

Kainé picked up Emil's head and held him in her arms. "We still don't know how to get out of here."

"Shit, let's just do this the old fashioned way," Zero kicked a hole in the wall, creating an opening. "Aaaand, problem solved. You can thank me later."

"I love it when people know how to get shit done," A2 said.

Finally, the girls entered the forest kingdom. It wasn't much different from any other forest, save for the ancient castle backdrop and the machines running around yelling about 'their king' this and 'their king' that, but their words pretty much went in one ear and out the next as the girls mowed down whatever machine dare cross their path.

"How much longer until we find this stupid machine you're supposed to kill?" Zero asked.

"It's in a castle and we're not in a castle yet sooo."

"Sooo, you even know where you're going?"

"Obviously."

Five hours later of wandering around proved A2 had no idea where she was going. "Okay, okay, I admit I don't know where I'm going."

"You couldn't have said that 4 hours and 59 minutes ago," Kainé said

"You were keeping track of the time?"

"That's what the narration said."

"Tch, so does anyone have any great ideas of where to go?"

"There's a castle up ahead in the other direction," Emil said. "We kept passing by it at least fifty times, ha hah ha ha!"

"So why the hell didn't you say anything?!" Zero yelled.

"Hey don't take your anger out on Emil," Kainé said. "Not his fault you guys can't find shit."

"Now isn't that adorable? Kainé becomes a completely different fucking person when it comes to her Yoko taro head."

"Right? Kainé's so nice! Whenever Nier had stuff he had to do, she'd always used to sit around a fire with me and tell stories or roast一"

"Enough Emil, I got a fucking image to maintain!"

Zero let out a few chuckles at her expense. "I always knew you were soft on the inside."

"You wanna see soft?! I'll show you soft!" Kainé set Emil's head down and punched Zero in the face. Needless to say, things quickly escalated and the girls were on the ground, punching each other in the face and pulling their hair.

"Goddamn fucking pussy ass bitch!" Zero screamed.

"Oh yeah? You #&*%^&$!$*$^& $#*!$!"

"What the hell does #&*%^&$!$*$^&$#*!$! even mean?"

"I don't know, I made it up."

"...what?"

"Get off each other you two!" A2 pulled Zero away from Kainé. "Show some fucking restraint for once."

"Whatever, can we just get to this goddamn castle already?"

With Emil leading the way this time, they reached the long-awaited castle.

"This place is huge," Emil said. "You think there's a lot of treasure inside?"

"Uh..maybe," Kainé said. "What do you guys think?"

"There's always treasure in these big ass castles," Zero said.

"Focus on killing the machines first," A2 said. "Not like any of you can carry treasure in the first place."

"You don't have any pockets to carry anything either," Kainé said.

"I'm an android, so I can just upload any items to my database."

"You're...an android?! That's so cool."

"Trust me, it gets old pretty quickly. She's a total dumbass just like the rest of us," Zero said.

"What? Shouldn't she be way smarter?"

"My point exactly."

"I'm right fucking here," A2 said.

"Sorry, our bad. Didn't see you there."

_'I'm this close to ending the timeline, but I really wanna kill that machine so I'll just ignore them for now.'_

It didn't take long for them to storm the castle with how ridiculously strong the girls were. However, when they reached the final level they saw two androids, 2B and 9S, that were already well ahead of them.

"A2, who are those guys?" Zero asked.

"Not all androids know each other." A2 jumped up in the air, then dramatically killed the machine in question right in front of 2B and 9S.

"2B, that's... an android," 9S said. "A YoRHa type android!"

Pod 042: Alert, this unit is currently wanted by YoRHa, annihilation recommended.

"Annihilation, but why?"

"Let's go 9S!"

"Hold on, you two aren't fucking touching her," Zero said.

2B and 9S turned around.

"Who the hell are you?" 2B asked.

"Your worst fucking nightmare," Kainé said.

"Don't be so edgy Kainé, god."

"What? I thought it sounded cool."

"...2B, what do we do now?" 9S asked. "Those girls look scary."

"We'll deal with them later, let's focus on the YoRHa android."

"Big mistake," Zero said.

"Yeah, what she said!"

"-Will you guys butt out of this? I can handle them on my own!" A2 yelled.

"Shut up, if your dumbass dies, we all pay the price so swallow your pride and let us help you!" Zero argued.

"Fine, whatever."

_With A2, Zero, and Kainé outnumbering 2B and 9S, the two YoRHa androids thought ahead and detonated their black boxes, destroying them all._

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**T[I]me after Time**

一

"Never been blown up before," Zero said.

"I forgot they could do that, tch, they're both cowards," A2 said.

"And we're the idiots who got killed. Now let's go find Kainé again, I have an idea."

Departing from the building, they found Kainé waiting for them on the ground.

"What's up," She said.

"Glad we didn't have to put up a fucking search party for you. Here's an idea, let's do fucking nothing," Zero said.

"Nothing?"

"Yeah, I'm tired of getting my ass killed and resetting the timeline. We aren't getting anywhere, so let's just do absolutely nothing and see what happens." Zero plopped down on the ground. "Who's with me?"

"I don't care at this point," A2 leaned back on the side of the building.

"I mean, if you guys think it's a good idea, sure. I'm just gonna go take a piss first."

"No, you're not," Zero said. "You're probably gonna get killed, I know I would kill someone while they were taking a piss."

A2 nodded. "I already did that."

"Yeah, don't care." Kainé disappeared.

"She's gonna die," Zero said.

"Yep."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Why hasn't the timeline reset?"

"Because I'm perfectly fine, you assholes," Kainé said, walking back to them.

"That's a surprise."

"Yep."

But, on her way to A2 and Zero, she got trampled over by a wayward moose.

"Shit, you still alive?" Zero asked.

"...barely." She attempted to stand up, but another moose ran over her and made sure she was dead this time.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**[J]oin the Club**

一

Zero burst out in laughter while A2 was fed up with the situation.

"Oh come on A2, you gotta admit that was hilarious! Bitch had it coming after she refused to listen to us."

"...you're right, that was pretty funny."

"You two are assholes," Kainé said, rejoining them on the building. "Well, guess it's your turn to get hooved to death, A2."

"That's not happening. Still, I think that makes it clear the world is out to get us."

"Yeah, I kind of wanna see how long we can survive without dying or killing each other," Kainé said.

"Let's go on the ground in that case because one of you is gonna push someone off," A2 said.

Zero nodded. "I already did that."

They found a flat, grassy area near a body of water to relax at. A2 kept herself busy by killing any machine that came within a 50-foot radius of them while Zero and Kainé were a bit more lackadaisical and they decided to skip stones together.

"You're really shitty at this, you know," Kainé said, tossing another stone.

"Sorry I can only see out of one fucking eye."

"Why is there a flower growing out of your eye anyway?"

"I was cursed. It's supposed to give me a new body every time I die, but _clearly_ , that hasn't been happening."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Give me one of those stones," A2 said, walking up to them.

"Sure."

She threw the stone as hard as she could at an unsuspecting machine's head, killing it instantly.

"Pssht, you're just trying to show off," Zero said.

"That was still hella cool though," Kainé said.

"No it wasn't, stop trying to hype her up, you wanna fuck her something?"

"Androids don't even have any of those parts, idiot," Kainé said.

"That other android in the castle must be well built then, I mean, did you see her ass?"

"Calm your tits down, shit."

"What? Can't help it, her butt was all in my face." Zero turned to A2. "Why don't you have a butt like that so I'll have something to look at it?"

"...you don't know how much I wanna kill you right now."

"Look, we all mutually wanna kill each other, but we can't act on it."

"This has gotta be like the 2nd worst fucking day of my life and I've had a lot of worst fucking days."

"With all this fucked up shit, I wonder what the hell could top this," Kainé said.

"...I used to have friends-"

"That's a surprise," Zero said.

"Shut up and let me finish my story! Anyways, I used to have friends and we were all on a team together... I didn't know it then, but the commander sent us on a mission so we could all die and be used for collecting data. After that mission, I was the sole survivor, now my ass gets hunted down every waking moment of my life."

"Left to die by the people you thought you could count on, huh," Zero said. "Now you're the only one left."

"That's sooo fucked up. I was an outcast in my village and a monster killed my grandma," Kainé said.

_'That sounds kind of familiar, I have memories of a girl with her grandma. Maybe the girl was her.'_

"You say that shit like it's nothing," Zero said.

"Well...what about you Zero? Anything fucked up to happen to you?"

"Glad you asked, here's my tragic anime backstory. Try, being unwanted by your own mom and sold off into prostitution as a child."

"Shit, we all have pretty messed up lives," Kainé said. "Am I the only one who secretly wants to die or is it just me?"

"More than anything," Zero said.

"Same," A2 said.

For some reason, their shared history made them laugh together out of spite for their own shitty situations and the fucked up world that made them who they were in the first place. The girls sat in comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company.

"This is the longest we've ever been alive," Zero remarked.

"Shut up or you'll jinx it, Zero!" A2 and Kainé yelled.

"Shit, sorry."

After a while, Zero and Kainé began slowly fading away out of existence.

"Guess this nightmare is finally over," Zero said.

"Hope I never see you two assholes again," Kainé said.

Zero smirked at Kainé. "Wouldn't mind seeing your asshole again~"

"Shut the fuck up."

"...Zero, Kainé, take care," A2 said.

"Tch, that's so sentimental. You're gonna make me puke."

"Ignore her," Kainé said. "Give this world hell, A2."

"Yeah...don't die anytime soon you two," Zero said.

Then they were gone, just like that, and A2 could finally be at peace with herself. At least, she would be at peace with herself if a herd of moose didn't trample over her, ending her life.

**The Longest F***ing 24 Hours**

**What doesn't [K]ill you**

**-Story End-**

"Of course it fucking ends with me dying..."


	2. The Clean, Kid-Friendly version of Chapter 1

_Time doesn't always flow in a single direction_

_Divergence: Branch Y_

_In the flow of post-cataclysm history, if a unique set of conditions known as "singularities" come together, splits occur in time, resulting in the multiple world divergence phenomenon._

_However, in an unusual occurrence, several different timelines from several different points in history have converged together, resulting in the confrontation of three very distinct individuals._

_It is now April 16th in the year 11,945 A.D._

* * *

**Disclaimer: You really think I own any Square Enix properties?**

' _moose'_ =thoughts

 _moose_ = Narration

****This is a censored version of the same fic so all the kiddos can enjoy****

* * *

A2 looked down at the sprawling world before her; grassy hills, shallow pools of water and decayed skyscrapers that stood as remanents of ancient human civilization. Not that she ever paid much attention to her surroundings when there were machines infesting the Earth.

 _'Another day of beating up machines.'_ Jumping off the skyscraper she was perched on, she [redacted], then swung her massive sword around. "Now where's the next one!"

She didn't have to go very far to find another machine lurking around the city. However, before A2 could even take another step, two portals manifested in the sky and two people crashed landed on the machine she was hunting.

"What the heck..."

Once the dust settled, A2 found two women with white hair like hers lying on the machine debris, although she'd soon come to find that wasn't where their similarities ended. "Uh, hey, you guys okay?"

"Oh yeah, yeah, fine, not like I didn't _just_ fall out of the fudge-ing sky," The woman with a flower sprouting out of her right eye, Zero, sarcastically remarked.

The other one was scantily clad and wasn't as quick to reply as her counterpart. "Holy cow, where am I..." Kainé muttered.

"The surface," A2 said.

They gave A2 beyond-lost-at-this-point blank stares so he elaborated more. "You know, like, Earth."

"What, did Earth change in the past twenty minutes? One minute I'm kicking it with my stupid dragon and the next I'm looking at your dumb face, so you're gonna do some explaining here," Zero said.

"Ask someone else."

Zero turned to Kainé who shrugged in response. "I'm as lost as you."

"Then I guess that son of a bucket is the only one who can give us some friggin' direction."

"Yeah...wait, where'd she go?"

Wanting absolutely nothing to do with Zero and Kainé, A2 left in search of machines, finding the deadly robots to be more suitable company than the two girls.

"HEY! Where the corn nuts do you think you're going?!" Zero called out.

' _Frack, I need to get out of here!'_

"Stop running away you fraggle rock!" Kainé yelled.

A2 scaled up one of the skyscrapers, thinking she could lose them that way, but they were able to easily follow after her. ' _Guess there's no point in running now._ ' She stopped and let the two girls catch up so she could give them a piece of her A.I. "Look, I can't frickin' help you two! What don't you understand about that?!"

"Then I'll sweet talk the information out of you," Zero said.

"...what did you just say?"

"I'm not gonna repeat myself, you already ticked me off by running away!"

"Calm the frazzlin dadgummit down, snickerdoodle, if she doesn't know, she doesn't know," Kainé said.

"I didn't ask for your supernatural deity that has no affiliation with organized religion bless it opinion. Look at her, she obviously knows more than she's letting on. She might even be the reason we're here in the first place."

"How the fudge nuggets does that make any sense, you're just looking for someone to blame because you can't get your head out of your donkey."

"Oh so now the cow wants to give me a lecture, real cute."

"You're one to flippin' talk."

"Will both of you go lick a duck," A2 said. "Listen, I'm gonna say this once and ONLY once. If one of you takes another step closer to me, your gadzooks is gonna get the lecture of a lifetime. Is that clear?"

_Unfortunately, those were the last words A2 said before all three of them [redacted] from [redacted] each other. Looks like this timeline will have to be reset._

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**Worst C[A]se Scenario**

一

A2 breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of the City Ruins, back to where her day began. "Thank yahweh, it was just a nightmare."

"一Hey Barbara Streisand, miss me?"

She turned around and saw Zero with a smug look on her face. Naturally, her first immediate reaction was to [redacted]

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**[B]reathless Sigh**

一

"Now, please tell me that's 一"

Zero kicked A2 off the building. "That's payback, you son of a motherless goat!"

_A2 and Zero [redacted] Let's start from where the divergence occurs and start off from there, shall we?_

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**Ba[C]k and Forth**

一

Zero raised her sword [redacted] but stopped suddenly.

"You aren't gonna win this game of connect four? It's your turn, isn't it," A2 said.

"I know, but I gotta go pee-pee first," Zero said.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb. I'll be back to beat you again in a sec," Zero jumped off the skyscraper and A2 was too curious not to follow after her, then she soon discovered exactly what 'gotta go pee-pee' meant.

"You poo on a stick, stop looking!" Zero shrieked.

"Hold on, are you a human?"

"Is now really the best time to ask these dang questions?"

"Answer the shnookerdookie question."

"Fiiiine. No, I'm not a human, I'm an intoner. What are you some kind of robot?"

"Something like that, I'm an android."

"That was a joke, but I guess that explains why you're so inept."

"...There's one other thing I need to talk to you about."

"Go ahead, I'm _obviously_ not doing anything."

"I think we should stop beating each other up. I figured out that every time we beat each other up, time resets and we beat each other up at least a dozen times so that must of messed up something."

"Yeah, no fish paste."

"Wait, so you knew the entire time?"

"Yep, I just liked beating you up."

A2 [redacted]

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**Beginning to En[D]**

一

"Okay, I admit I had that coming," Zero said.

"Let's just agree not to beat each other up on purpose from now on," A2 said.

"Sure, we won't beat each other up on purpose. So can I _accidentally_ push you off this building?"

A2 narrowed her eyes at Zero.

"Take it easy, that was more or less a joke," Zero sat down. "So what do androids do to keep themselves busy?"

"Bully machines."

"Huh, not like super complicated technological things or whatever?"

"Nope."

"..."

"..."

"...Now it's your turn."

"To do what?"

"To ask me something, idiot. I don't want there to be dead shuzzbutt silence."

"No thanks."

"Phooey, of course, I'm stuck here with the boring one." Zero fell down on her back and an awkward silence dragged on between the two.

_Little did A2 and Zero know that Kainé had gone off and gotten herself [redacted] by a machine which meant the timeline had to be reset again._

**The Longest Gosh Darn24 Hours**

**Tim[E] Flies By**

一

"You didn't off me, did you?" Zero asked.

"I feel like you would've known if I off-ed you or not, just saying."

"Then did I perish of boredom?" She mused.

"...Hold on, what about the other one? I think we forgot about her."

"Oh right, the cow. She must have gotten herself axed and reset the whole story again."

"If that's the case, we have to go find her."

"Yeah, yeah."

Dropping off the building, they began their search for Kainé on foot.

"Hey, all this pleasant time we spent together and I never got your name," Zero said.

"Tell me your name first."

"That's not how it works, but whatever, I'm Zero."

"A2."

"A2? That is such a stereotypical android name."

"What the heck would you know about androids? I still don't know what you are."

"I'm an intoner, I think I told you this before."

"Yeah, and I _still_ don't know what that is."

"An intoner's a goddess who gets their powers from song."

"I STILL don't know what that is, do you think I'm omniscient or something?!"

"...forget it. Maybe you're lacking so much in the brains department because you're making up for it elsewhere, hm~"

"I don't follow."

"Then I'll make it more obvious for you. Since you look so human, you have everything a human has, right?"

"I don't have intestines."

"You know what? Let's drop this."

"Good idea."

After wandering around the City Ruins for some time, they stumbled upon Kainé facing off against a Goliath-class machine. Even though she pretty much had things handled, A2 and Zero came to her rescue and laid waste to the hunk of metal.

"I didn't ask for your guy's help you know," Kainé said.

"Don't be so sufferin' succotash tsundere," Zero said.

"You were gonna get yourself axed in the end so we had to save you," A2 said.

"I'd rather be dead than hang out with you wankers."

"Don't group me with her, all I did was beat you up that one time," A2 said.

She rolled her eyes. "Sure, flower girl's _slightly_ more of a hobknocker than you. Happy?"

"Aw, you're embarrassing me," Zero said.

"That wasn't a goshforsaken compliment. What do you two want with me anyway?"

"Each time one of us perishes, the timeline resets so we need to stick together and make sure that doesn't happen," A2 said. "Then maybe we can figure out what the heck's going on."

"Oooooh, that's what kept happening. Let me guess, you and flower girl got into a staring contest and had a friendly rivalry with each other?"

"And we got a winner," Zero said.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised, but sure, I'll follow you guys around. Not like I have anything else better to do. My name's Kainé by the way."

"A2."

"Zero."

"Wow, I'm the only one with a normal cheese whiz name."

"...I'm still calling you a cow," Zero said.

"Don't push yourself or I'll reset this sugartit timeline again."

"Whatever, cow."

A2 got in-between Zero and Kainé before they could restart the entire day again and knocked them both upside the head.

"Dang it, now I'm just ticked off," Kainé said.

"You weren't ticked off before?" A2 asked.

"Not as much!"

[redacted]

"I thought it was just an expression."

"Uh huh...so do you even know what doing the nasty means since you use it so much?"

"It's when a man and a woman love each other very much, duh."

"Gosh, you're getting on my last nerve."

"Enough complaining. I was in the middle of hunting some food until that robot got in my way, maybe you guys can do something helpful instead of talking about crud," Kainé said.

"That sounds like a good idea, I'm hungry as a horse on Thanksgiving," Zero said.

"There are boars nearby, they're an easy target," A2 said. "Not that I support illegal poaching or anything, just putting that out there."

"Mm, boar meat. That's a new one."

The girls hid behind a giant bush and watched as a boar calmly munched on the grass, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to strike. When it appeared to be totally unsuspicious of becoming anyone's fire roasted dinner, Zero looked over to A2 and Kainé.

"I'll go in for the big whopper. You two sit back and watch how it's done."

"Whatever." They both said.

Zero snuck out of the bushes, her sword tightly clenched in her hand. However, on her way to the boar, she got trampled on by an aggressive moose who was in the vicinity. A2 and Kainé ran over to her, worried more at the thought of repeating the day over than Zero's life.

"Fiddlesticks, is she dead?" Kainé asked.

"That's a shitake mushrooms way to kick the bucket, huh," A2 said.

"I'm still alive you doofuses! Will someone just friggin' off me already?!"

A2 and Kainé exchanged glances, then decidedly said "Nah" in unison.

"You two are such dorks."

Kainé smirked. "Gotta say, love the new look Zero, it really suits you."

"Yeah, ha HA, you're so peanut butter and jelly hilarious! Can you just help me up already?"

"Sure, come on A2." They helped Zero to her feet.

"Let's find somewhere to rest, I'll just catch you two some fish and call it a day," A2 said.

"Why...why the hamburgers didn't you do that before," Zero said.

"Oh, uh, my bad."

"A2...you're lucky I got my bones crushed by hooves..."

A few tedious hours later and the girls were huddled up by a fire in an empty building. Kainé was in the middle of cleaning and gutting the fish A2 caught, keeping to herself for the longest time until she couldn't stand the sight of Zero sitting on her butt. "I don't know why I'm doing all this work, you should be helping too, Zero!"

"But I'm in soooo much pain."

"Not enough to keep your mouth shut."

"Good sweet lord jesus, I'll help you, okay? Throw me one of those rascals."

Kainé's face twisted in disgust. "...on second thought, maybe not."

"What's with the change of heart all of a sudden?"

"You keep touching your hair, it's gross."

"I'm not touching my hair!"

"You're doing it right in front of me! Back me up, A2!"

"I wasn't paying attention."

"Look at her, she keeps putting her hands on hair like she just doesn't care! Nasty female dog, I don't want your hair on my food!"

[redacted]

"Uh...my body's kind of different."

"So you got a...extra toe?"

"Yeah."

"Best of both worlds, I like it."

"You're not weirded out?"

"Why would I be? People don't know what they're missing out on if you ask me." She crawled over to Kainé. "So why don't you show me more?"

"Oh?" A small smile crept up Kainé's face. "And you're the one calling me a cow. Come on, I'll show you exactly what people are missing out on."

A2 watched as Zero and Kainé stood up. "Where the heck are you two going?"

"Just outside to enjoy the weather, maybe stare at the clouds and sing a few songs. Don't check up on us," Zero said.

"Whatever." She made herself busy by sharpening her swords, but it was waaaayyyy to quiet for them to be singing songs so she decided to check up on them anyway.

"Hey, you guys are...oh no."

Zero and Kainé were [redacted]

"... idiots."

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**[F]irst Time for Everything**

一

Zero and A2 were back on the building together, staring each other down.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Don't ask," Zero said.

"So you aren't going to explain yourself?"

"No. Let's just find that cow again."

Leaping off the building, they found Kainé sooner than expected just walking around the city. "Hey A2," Kainé said. "...and company."

"Yuck fou, cow."

[redacted]

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**[G]ood for Nothing**

一

"Kainé's really reaaaaaaaaaaaaally fast, I didn't even see her attack coming," Zero said.

"I did," A2 said. "'Course I didn't want to stop her."

Zero shoved A2 off the building.

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**[H]ere we go again**

一

"I thought we weren't going to purposely off each other," A2 said.

"Sorry, my, uh, hand slipped."

"My hand's gonna slip right up your..." She shook her head. "Forget it, let's not start this again."

"Great self-restraint you got there. So what now?"

"As soon as we find Kainé again, I want to hunt more machines. I heard about a machine king in the forest kingdom I want to take down."

"Aww noodles, I hate forests. Last time I was in one it made my lady week come early."

"What's that?"

"Allah, you're lucky you don't know...guess you don't have anything in between your legs after all."

"Zero."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"That's supposed to be my line."

"一what are you two deadheads doing?" Kainé asked, walking up to them.

"We were getting ready to find you," A2 said.

"Well, you sure took your sweet kitty whiskers time. I got tired of waiting so I found you instead."

"That saved us a trip. Now that we're all here, let's go to the forest," A2 said.

"What's in the forest?"

"A machine I want to beat up."

"Ah, that machine beat up your family or something?"

"No."

"Did it reincarnate into a separate entity after you tried to leave the country?" Zero asked.

"What? No. I just hate the idea of it being a big bully to everyone."

"That's always the best reason to beat up someone."

"I know right? There's no baggage weighing you down."

"Both of you are so violent and it's not good to resort to violence ways," Kainé said.

"Whatever. You two coming down to the forest with me?"

"Yeah, sure."

"We literally have no other choice," Zero said.

Following A2's lead, they made their way down to an abandoned shopping center taken over by vegetation. "This doesn't look like a forest," Zero said. "But being here is already making my armpit itch so we must be getting close."

"Don't you know when to shut the fridge up, Zero? No one wants to hear about your armpit," Kainé said.

"Heh, that's not what you said to me 3 deaths ago."

"Oh my heavens to saint-"

A2 held Kainé back before she could do something they'd all end up regretting. "Calm down, Kainé. She's just trying to bully you."

"Me? She's the real bully here."

"A2...don't let me go or I'm gonna SCHOOL HER!"

"You heard her Zero, so shut up."

"What? It's fun. What're we supposed to be doing here anyway?"

"There's supposed to be an entrance, around here. Cheeses!" A2 kicked something down she probably wasn't supposed to kick down and a bunch of machines fell out of nowhere. With the three of them semi-working together for once, they defeated the machines with ease, all except one machine who cut their losses and tried to run away.

"That one's getting away, catch it!" A2 yelled.

"Already ahead of you!" Zero sliced the machine through its midsection, but much to her surprise, a small, round head popped out of the machine body.

"AAAAahhh, p-please don't catch me! I'm not a pokemon or anything!"

"What the heck?"

"Wait, Emil is that you?" Kainé asked, running up to the head. "Huh? What're you even doing here?"

"Huh? Who are you? You look familiar, though."

"You lost your memories? This will bring them back!" Kainé gave Emil a good kick in the head, which miraculously cured his memory loss.

"Kainé! I-I can't believe it, it's really you! I missed you, I missed you so much!" He rolled around her legs. "I thought you and Nier and everyone else was long gone, I was so lonely!"

"What the cuss, then is this the distant future?!"

"Ew, why the narf does your friend look like one of those creepy Yoko taro heads?" Zero asked.

"It's a long story, Emil, how did you survive all these years?"

"The original me created millions of copies to help the androids fight against the aliens."

"The aliens?!" She looked over to A2.

"Don't look at me," A2 said. "I've never seen that thing before in my life."

"He's not a thing, bedwetter."

"Someone's touchy over their dismembered head," Zero said.

"Wow, are these your friends, Kainé? They're a lot like you."

"These mamby pambies aren't my mother of pearl friends, and we're nothing alike!"

"No...you guys are pretty similar in personality and character design."

"What did you become a pointdexter too over the centuries?"

"Not exactly, but wherever you guys are going, can I come along? It seems like you're having fun!"

"We're not going on a picnic, this is hardcore friggin stuff," Zero said.

"Weren't you just complaining about your armpit itching earlier? Yeah real hardcore stuff," Kainé said.

"Shut the front door."

"Your friend can come along with us as long as he doesn't get in the way," A2 said.

"Yay, I'm so excited!"

Kainé picked up Emil's head and held him in her arms. "We still don't know how to get out of here."

"Shuzzbutt, let's just do this the old fashioned way," Zero kicked a hole in the wall, creating an opening. "Aaaand, problem solved. You can thank me later."

"I love it when people know how to get homework done," A2 said.

Finally, the girls entered the forest kingdom. It wasn't much different from any other forest, save for the ancient castle backdrop and the machines running around yelling about 'their king' this and 'their king' that, but their words pretty much went in one ear and out the next as the girls mowed down whatever machine dare cross their path.

"How much longer until we find this stupid machine you're supposed to beat up?" Zero asked.

"It's in a castle and we're not in a castle yet sooo."

"Sooo, you even know where you're going?"

"Obviously."

Five hours later of wandering around proved A2 had no idea where she was going. "Okay, okay, I admit I don't know where I'm going."

"You couldn't have said that 4 hours and 59 minutes ago," Kainé said

"You were keeping track of the time?"

"That's what the narration said."

"Tch, so does anyone have any great ideas of where to go?"

"There's a castle up ahead in the other direction," Emil said. "We kept passing by it at least fifty times, ha hah ha ha!"

"So why the bull spit didn't you say anything?!" Zero yelled.

"Hey don't take your anger out on Emil," Kainé said. "Not his fault you guys can't find santa claus."

"Now isn't that adorable? Kainé becomes miss sunshine and rainbows when it comes to her Yoko taro head."

"Right? Kainé's so nice! Whenever Nier had stuff he had to do, she'd always used to sit around a fire with me and tell stories or roast一"

"Enough Emil, I have an arbitrary tough girl facade to maintain in order to mask my insecurities and keep the demon inside of me from taking over my body!"

Zero let out a few chuckles at her expense. "I always knew you were soft on the inside."

"You wanna see soft?! I'll show you soft!" Kainé set Emil's head down and punched Zero in the face. Needless to say, things quickly escalated and the girls were on the ground, punching each other in the face and pulling their hair.

"Dang darn, holy mary-mother of Jesus!" Zero screamed.

"Oh yeah? You [every word that came out of her mouth had to be redacted due to the highly offensive nature of her language]!"

"Shut the [redacted] up! We have a [redacted] censorship the maintain here! You want all the kids out there to be repeating half the [redacted] you said?!"

"...no."

"Get off each other you two!" A2 pulled Zero away from Kainé. "Show some bull hockey restraint for once."

"Whatever, can we just get to this jackwagon castle already?"

With Emil leading the way this time, they reached the long-awaited castle.

"This place is huge," Emil said. "You think there's a lot of treasure inside?"

"Uh..maybe," Kainé said. "What do you guys think?"

"There's always treasure in these big ol' castles," Zero said.

"Focus on beating up the machines first," A2 said. "Not like any of you can carry treasure in the first place."

"You don't have any pockets to carry anything either," Kainé said.

"I'm an android, so I can just upload any items to my database."

"You're...an android?! That's so cool."

"Trust me, it gets old pretty quickly. She's a total poopy head just like the rest of us," Zero said.

"What? Shouldn't she be way smarter?"

"My point exactly."

"I'm right [redacted] here," A2 said.

"A2!" Zero yelled.

"Right, ugh, show some respect for the kids! Golly gee," Kainé said.

_'I'm this close to ending the timeline, but I really wanna beat up that machine so I'll just ignore them for now.'_

It didn't take long for them to storm the castle with how ridiculously strong the girls were. However, when they reached the final level they saw two androids, 2B and 9S, that were already well ahead of them.

"A2, who are those guys?" Zero asked.

"Not all androids know each other." A2 jumped up in the air, then dramatically beat up the machine in question right in front of 2B and 9S.

"2B, that's... an android," 9S said. "A YoRHa type android!"

Pod 042: Alert, this unit is currently wanted by YoRHa, a good old fashioned spanking is recommended.

"A good old fashioned spanking, but why?"

"Let's go 9S!"

"Hold on, you two aren't giving anyone ANY spankings," Zero said. "Don't you know a more productive way of child discipline is grounding them and taking away their phones instead!"

2B and 9S turned around.

"Who the heck are you?" 2B asked.

"We're the multiple choice answers on a test you can't choose between because they're both really similar," Kainé said.

"Don't be so edgy Kainé, jehovah."

"What? I thought it sounded cool."

"...2B, what do we do now?" 9S asked. "Those girls look scary."

"We'll deal with them later, let's focus on the YoRHa android."

"Big mistake," Zero said.

"Yeah, what she said!"

"-Will you guys butt out of this? I can handle them on my own!" A2 yelled.

"Shut up, if your jackwagon goes to heaven, not that I support organized religion, we all pay the price so swallow your pride and let us help you!" Zero argued.

"Fine, whatever."

_With A2, Zero, and Kainé outnumbering 2B and 9S, the two YoRHa androids thought ahead and detonated their black boxes, then who knows what happened next? I'm not keeping track, to be honest, are you? Anyway, timeline reset._

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**T[I]me after Time**

一

"Never been [redacted] up before," Zero said.

"I forgot they could do that, tch, they're both cowards," A2 said.

"And we're the idiots who got beat up. Now let's go find Kainé again, I have an idea."

Departing from the building, they found Kainé waiting for them on the ground.

"What's up," She said.

"Glad we didn't have to put up a shikaka search party for you. Here's an idea, let's do totally nothing," Zero said.

"Nothing?"

"Yeah, I'm tired of getting my buttocks beat up and resetting the timeline. We aren't getting anywhere, so let's just do absolutely nothing and see what happens." Zero plopped down on the ground. "Who's with me?"

"I don't care at this point," A2 leaned back on the side of the building.

"I mean, if you guys think it's a good idea, sure. I'm just gonna go pee pee first."

"No, you're not," Zero said. "You're probably gonna get beat up, I know I would beat up someone while they were going pee pee."

A2 nodded. "I already did that."

"Yeah, don't care." Kainé disappeared.

"She's gonna get jumped," Zero said.

"Yep."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Why hasn't the timeline reset?"

"Because I'm perfectly fine, you shrewd lawyers," Kainé said, walking back to them.

"That's a surprise."

"Yep."

But, on her way to A2 and Zero, she got trampled over by a wayward moose.

"uh oh spaghetti-O, you okay?" Zero asked.

"...barely." She attempted to stand up, but another moose ran over her and made sure she was [redacted] this time.

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**[J]oin the Club**

一

Zero burst out in laughter while A2 was fed up with the situation.

"Oh come on A2, you gotta admit that was hilarious! Frankenstain had it coming after she refused to listen to us."

"...you're right, that was pretty funny."

"You two are horse pucky," Kainé said, rejoining them on the building. "Well, guess it's your turn to get hooved to sleep, A2."

"That's not happening. Still, I think that makes it clear the world is out to get us."

"Yeah, I kind of wanna see how long we can survive without anything bad happening," Kainé said.

"Let's go on the ground in that case because one of you is gonna start goofing off," A2 said.

Zero nodded. "I already did that."

They found a flat, grassy area near a body of water to relax at. A2 kept herself busy by beating up any machine that came within a 50-foot radius of them while Zero and Kainé were a bit more lackadaisical and they decided to skip stones together.

"You're really poor at this, you know," Kainé said, tossing another stone.

"Wow, pretty ableist of you to say that since I can only see out of one eye. Maybe you should check your privilege?"

"Cram it Popeye. Why is there a flower growing out of your peephole anyway?"

"I was cursed. It's supposed to give me a new IQ point every time I perish, but _clearly_ , that hasn't been happening."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Give me one of those stones," A2 said, walking up to them.

"Sure."

She threw the stone as hard as she could at an unsuspecting machine's head, and it went ka-blooey.

"Pssht, you're just trying to show off," Zero said.

"That was still super cool though," Kainé said.

"No it wasn't, tch, you should marry her since you wanna hype her up so much. I do fully support LGBT+ representation and I think a lesbian couple would be a very progressive thing to show kids."

"Thanks for showing you're supportive, but I don't see A2 in that way."

"Perfectly understandable, but did you see that other android in the castle? I'd love to tie the knot with her, I mean, did you see her [redacted]."

"It's not good to objectify women, Zero. You should get to know her as a person first instead of placing value solely on her appearance, but yeah her [redacted] was pretty fine," Kainé said.

"You two are acting like total clowns," A2 said. "This has gotta be like the 2nd worst fudge berry day of my life and I've had a lot of worst fudge berry days."

"With all this tomfoolery, I wonder what the fresh heck could top this," Kainé said.

"...I used to have friends-"

"That's a surprise," Zero said.

"Shut up and let me finish my story! Anyways, I used to have friends and we were all on a soccer team together... I didn't know it then, but the coach set us up for failure because of malpractice. After that one match, my entire team split up now I'm a laughing stock."

"Bad sportsmanship and malpractice from the coach, huh," Zero said. "Now you're the only one left."

"That's sooo messed up. I was an outcast in my village and my grandma skipped town."

"Sorry to hear that. Old people are so unreliable," Zero said.

"Well...what about you Zero? Anything bad happen to you?"

"Glad you asked, here's my tragic anime backstory. Try, being unwanted by your own mom and forced to go to a british boarding school."

"That's terrible. Dillweed, we all have pretty messed up lives," Kainé said. "Am I the only one who secretly wants to..."

[the entire conversation was redacted due to its morbid nature and I couldn't come up with anything to replace it]

For some reason, their shared history made them laugh together out of spite for their own shoddy situations and the corrupt world that made them who they were in the first place. The girls sat in comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company.

"This is the longest time nothing bad happened," Zero remarked.

"Shut up or you'll jinx it, Zero!" A2 and Kainé yelled.

"Jiminy cricket, sorry."

After a while, Zero and Kainé began slowly fading away out of existence.

"Guess this nightmare is finally over," Zero said.

"Hope I never see you two mothersmuckers again," Kainé said.

Zero smirked at Kainé. "Wouldn't mind seeing your [redacted] again~"

"Sufferin' succotash!"

"...Zero, Kainé, take care," A2 said.

"Tch, that's so sentimental. You're gonna make me show vulnerability."

"Ignore her," Kainé said. "Go to college and play professional soccer, A2."

"Yeah...don't give up on your dreams anytime soon you two," Zero said.

Then they were gone, just like that, and A2 could finally be at peace with herself. At least, she would be at peace with herself if a herd of moose didn't trample over her, giving her a boo boo.

**The Longest Gosh Darn 24 Hours**

**What doesn't [K]ick you**

**-Story End-**

"Owwww my everything hurts..."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this shit~
> 
> (estimates)
> 
> Swear count
> 
> Zero: 62
> 
> A2: 21
> 
> Kainé: 44
> 
> Winner: Zero, by far  
> \---
> 
> Die count
> 
> Zero: 5
> 
> A2: 5
> 
> Kainé: 5
> 
> Loser: All tied  
> \---
> 
> Kill count
> 
> Zero: 3
> 
> A2: 3
> 
> Kainé: 1
> 
> Winner: Zero and A2 are psychos


End file.
